I don’t just answer phone calls and look bored at work, I also am the savior of marriage.

The other day, the delivery team called me up to let me know that their second delivery couldn’t be made because nobody was home. No big deal, this happens a lot and essentially, I don’t care.

They tried to call the missing guy who ordered the three large appliances, but nobody answered. A little while later, I too tried to call him. Same result.

About thirty minutes after that, I got a call from the guy’s wife. Apparently he had gotten drunk last night and passed out at a friend’s house. He was still passed out when we tried to call him and so didn’t answer.

His wife told me that she was amazingly not happy with him. The appliances were to be delivered to their new home and she was afraid that she’d have to wait a couple of weeks for the delivery to be attempted again and something about killing her husband.

I made some phone calls and the delivery guys were able to swing around and drop them off later in the day. I phoned the wife and she thanked me for saving the marriage.

There’s no telling just how long a marriage held together by appliances being delivered can last, but I’m sure it’s bound to all work out.

Smartz returned from a trip to Pennsylvania this week with quite a bounty!

She not only found this very wonderful painting…

But she also found two records that you really wouldn’t expect to find in central PA.

The first was for her and is the very German version of Peter Schilling’s “Major Tom (Vollig Losgelost)” with “Ich Hab’ Keine Lust” as the flip side. “Major Tom” is the unasked-for sequel/retelling of David Bowie’s “Space Oddity.” I’ve always thought it was an ok song, but Smartz really likes it.

She also found the 12″ single for Sparks’s “Progress,” a mid-80s Devo-inspired bit of fun. It’s definitely not the best Sparks song in the world, but it’s worth a listen.

You can check out both of these songs below. Neither have been cleaned up and “Coming Home” is pretty crackly, but that doesn’t take away the fun…

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Ever been driving down some street and wonder if the guy next to you is a complete douchebag? Sure, we all have. Unless they’re speed walking or riding a recumbent bike, it’s pretty hard to tell… until now.

Thanks to Myers Motors, this task has been completely simplified!

The NgM, a three-wheeled enclosed “motorcycle,” bills itself Globally Cool Transportation. Though it’s neither global nor cool, it is transportation and technically, it is a motorcycle, so I’m at least a little interested in it.

Haha! Just kidding. Look at this thing. It looks like something from a crappy movie-adaptation of a Dr. Seuss book.

On the technical side, it’s all electric and goes 75mph. Most electric cars only do about half that (which is amazingly impractical). That’s all pretty nifty, except that it only seats one and costs $30,000.

I’ve seen a few of these around Seattle. I guess I should be thankful that it’s now even easier to play spot-the-D-bag, but really, it’s just sad.

If you own one of these things, that very literally means that you had an extra $30,000 just lying around just waiting for you to make a very unfortunate transportation decision.

That’s right, NgM owners, I’m dissin your crappy bike. I ride a Vespa and I’m trash talking your ride. How does that make you feel (aside from a complete douchebag)?

But I guess the NgM really isn’t marketed to me, a poor guy who isn’t really all that excited about overpriced cars. This is marketed to people who want to pretend that buying a $30,000 chunk of newly manufactured plastic, steel and lithium is the “green” thing to do.

Why not just buy a motorcycle or scooter or a 1991 Geo Metro and use the extra $27,000 to do literally anything else in the world that isn’t buying an NgM.

As some have noticed, I’ve not had a whole lot to say lately. I guess not a whole lot has been happening since seeing Plan 9 from Outer Space.

Since then, I’ve been working, so there’s not been a ton of time to do a lot of things. That didn’t stop me from a visit to Mighty O’s with Ryan and family.

Work has been better (or I’m growing more numb to it). I’m learning more about the store and am able to help customers more. It really bugged me when I was told to not really help anyone, just sit there and let customer service take care of it. That’s fun, but often they’re not there or busy, so that leaves me sitting there looking at a phone that doesn’t ring all that much.

But this past weekend, I was a problem solver and customer disarmer. Some customers get amazingly upset over the lack of service that this store provides. We are understaffed and make too many promises to customers. The “if more than three people are waiting at a register, we’ll call up more cashiers” idea is taken to heart. Customers really do expect them to show up. Funny, eh? And they really hate when someone promises them that something will be done “around noon” and it’s not done even by the end of the night. I had to clean up that little mess.

I’m fairly good at keeping customers from flipping out. Who knew?

I guess maybe I am good at retail. Not at selling, because honestly, you’d probably be better off if you’d not spend your money, but at helping people not be angry. Nifty.

Aside from work, I’ve been reading “I Rode With Stonewall” by Henry Kyd Douglas, which I thought I had read before, but now I don’t believe I have. I’m enjoying it. Douglas was an aide to Stonewall Jackson and his retelling of events is well done.

I also tried to read a couple of books full of essays about the big “what ifs” in American history. Like, “what if Washington didn’t cross the Delaware?” and “what if America lost the battle of New Orleans?” I should love stuff like this, but the book Almost America is completely unreadable. Horrible writing, poorly researched history and just really really bad.

In other news, I’ve discovered two shows that really aren’t half bad. The first is a new one called Glee about a teacher who takes over a Glee Club that covers classic rock songs. It’s quirky and doesn’t quite have its center yet (there’s only one episode), but I hope it takes off. It could be really good.

Another show that surprised me is the one with Molly Ringwald playing a mom. Secret Life of the American Teenager. I had only heard the title before and wrote it off as a reality show about teenagers – not something that would really interest me. Movies about teenagers are one thing (RIP, John Huges), but real life teenagers are a little scary. I’ll pass. (No offense to teenagers, of course – you’re a good lot.)

Oh, and the show Community with John McHale and Chevy Chase is really really funny. I hope it makes it.

I guess that’s all I have to say. Smartz returns from Pennsylvania on Tuesday. I’ve not really taken advantage of the otherwise empty apartment. No keggers, stag parties or scooter rallies so far. I have one more night to make it happen. Wish me luck.

Last night, Ryan and I caught a city bus to downtown so that we could see Rifftrax’s live roasting of Ed Wood’s masterpiece Plan 9 from Outer Space.

I had seen this movie a couple of times before, but forgot just how bad the writing was. The acting was bad, of course, the cinematography was bad, but more than anything, the writing was so amazingly horrible. You can check out the quotes here to see what I mean.

However, with Mike, Bill and Kevin, x-members of Mystery Science Theater 3000, riffing like it’s their day job, our evening with Ed Wood was complete.

Rifftrax has tried a few live shows via the internet, all failing due to technical difficulties. This time, they used some satellite company that broadcasts to movie theaters and were seen in 434 theaters across the country. While the east coast shows were seen live (and with some technical difficulties), we got the west coast rebroadcast (though without technical difficulties).

Our theater, the AMC in downtown Seattle, was pretty packed. the crowd was old and young and peppered with those serious red haired girls who only date comic book geeks. You know the type.

While some folks in other parts of the country made mention that their theaters were quiet or filled with boring people, the crowd in Seattle was lively and boisterous (in a good way).

Great night and thanks, Rifftrax, for a wonderful night. Oh, and thanks for the call back “time for to go to bed!” Cinematic Titanic did it too. It’s really appreciated.

It was in 434 theaters. Why didn’t you go?

My friend Dwija introduced me to Sparks and was really surprised that I hadn’t heard of them before. Now, a year or so later, I’m a huge fan and get to expose them to all sorts of new people.

I’m sure I’ve posted about them before, but more in passing than anything.

Sparks was form in 1968 by two brothers, Ron and Russell Mael. They played the LA club scene as the band Halfnelson, released and album and it didn’t really go anywhere. They changed their name to Sparks, toured England and released a second album and were huge in Europe.

The musical stylings have changed over the decades (they’re still putting out music), but from the beginning till now Sparks is known for theatrical Queen-like performances (though they actually look like they’re enjoying it) and very fun lyrics.

The first thing I ever saw of them was the song “This Town Ain’t Big Enough for Both of Us” as they performed it in 1974 on the BBC’s Old Grey Whistle Test… See it here.

And that’s Sparks. Russell Mael is fairly animated and Ron Mael scowls in really fun ways with a great Hitler-esque mustache.

Let’s try 1975’s “Get in the Swing.” See that here. It’s a bit more peppy and musical than “This Town” and is a great example of what they do.

And if you like knit glove and falsetto, “Something for the Girl with Everything” is just the thing for you. This is also from 1975 and is somehow more theatrical than “Swing.” See it here.

Sparks returned to the US in 1976 to regroup and reinvent themselves. They put out two albums that really didn’t do so well. A few minor favorites came out of that era, like “Number One Song in Heaven.” I’m not sure if it was their first proper video, but here’s Sparks circa 1979.

One of my favorite songs, yet least favorite videos is “Tips for Teens.” Hilarious lyrics though. Check it out.

Their biggest hit in the US was the duet with Jane Wiedlin from the Go Go’s. She ran a Sparks fan club when she was a kid, you know? It’s hard to think of this as a Sparks song because I remember it from when I was a kid. I always thought they were one hit wonders. But that’s not exactly true. See it here.

The 80s were not kind to a lot of bands from the 70s and Sparks fits that description here and there. But “Music That You Can Dance To” is great. It was in the movie RAD and I remember my sister and I liking the lyrics “Shut up, dear – In my eye” or something like that. We were probably wrong, but the song is great and fun. See it here!

That was from 1986 and has a real Pet Shop Boys feel to it, but it was before PSB were doing that sort of high energy, peppy stuff. They continued with that sound well into the 90s (so did PSB).

“When Do I Get to Sing ‘My Way’?” came out in 1994 and still has that electro-dance thing going. I didn’t like it at first, but now it’s one of my favorites. Especially because of the lyrics. And because of Ron’s dancing. See it here!

As the new millennium rolled in, Sparks was still with us! The electro-dance was still with us too. So was the weirdness. The video for “The Calm Before the Storm” is just weird. There’s no frame of reference, so it makes it all the weirder. Check it out.

A few years later, 2004, Sparks dropped the electro thing in favor of some really very dramatic orchestration and lyrical repetition. Everything they did at this point was about repetition. Some of it worked, some of it didn’t. But “The Rhythm Thief” is brilliant. See it here.

Two years later, in 2006 (oh we’re getting close to the end!), they put out “Dick Around,” which might just be my favorite Sparks song. Fun video too. They were still almost into the repetition thing, but stuffed a lot of lyrics into this one. See that!! Kitties!

Their newest single is “Lighten Up, Morrissey” and pretty much every guy knows what this song is about. Most of their newest album is more theatrical than this, but it’s still quite a fun song. See it now!

And that’s Sparks. They have a new album coming out that’s actually a radio drama about Igmar Bergman. We’ll see how that goes, but it’s amazing that they’ve been around for so long and consistently put out great music.

Sparks is best when live and there’s plenty of videos on youtube that showcase such things. There’s also a DVD released in the states of a live show. Hopefully there will be more to come.

Want to hear a few songs from the new mix? I used to post songs from the mixes on my blog, but at some point I got away from it.

Here’s the entire track list…

1. Paddlefoot – Whiskey Before Breakfast
2. The Pogues – Waxie’s Dargle
3. Royal Fingerbowl – Big Whiskey
4. Mojo Nixon – Are You Drinkin’ With Me, Jesus?
5. Dean Martin – Little Ole Wine Drinker, Me
6. Spike Jones – Clink Clink Another Drink
7. The Handsome Family – Water Into Wine
8. Against Me! – Pints of Guinness Make You Strong
9. Jolly Rogers – All For Me Grog
10. They Might Be Giants – Drink!
11. Crucial Youth – Just One Beer
12. Screamin’ Jay Hawkins – Alligator Wine
13. Mothers Of Invention – American Drinks & Goes Home
14. Frankie Yankolvic – Beer Barrel Polka
15. The Replacements – Beer For Breakfast
16. Johnny Paycheck – Fifteen Beers
17. Frank Sinatra – One For My Baby
18. Elmer – Hangover of Love
19. Alseep At The Wheel – The Letter That Johnny Walker Read
20. Clean Living – In Heaven There Is No Beer
21. Tex Ritter – Rye Whiskey
22. Three Dead Trolls In A Baggie – A Dublin Lullaby
23. Jerry Lee Lewis – What Made Milwaukee Famous
24. Tom Waits – The Piano Has Been Drinking (Not Me)
25. Gang Green – Ballad
26. Jr. Gone Wild – Sixpack
27. David Byrne – The Man Who Loved Beer

And here, you can listen to some…

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Mojo Nixon – Are You Drinkin’ With Me, Jesus?

Get the whole mix here!

Ok, nice sampling? Enjoy!