Some scooterists are very prejudice against other scooterists/motorcyclists. Some don’t like newer, nonvintage scooters. Some don’t like automatics. Some don’t like motorcycles.

As a scooterist, you really do have to draw the line somewhere. Some scooterists, like many motorcyclists, believe that if you’re on two wheels instead of four, it’s just fine. And I’d like to subscribe to that.

If you choose to ditch your car and head out on two wheels, well that’s just great. If it’s a motorcycle, a scooter or a bicycle, two wheels is always better than four. Always.

Except in three cases, one in each category.

The Crotch-Rocket
Nobody likes these guys. Hell, they don’t even like themselves. Most ride in just a tshirt and without a helmet. That’s fine with me, the less of those guys, the better.

The Maxi-Scooter
The next are maxi-scooters. These are scooters built for douche bags. Now, of course, not only douche bags own them, but they should. Seriously, if you’re not a douche bag, don’t get one.

Maxi-scooters are usually really well built machines. They’ll last forever (which is a real problem, in my opinion). The engines are great and they can usually do highway speeds with no effort at all.

Again, if you’re not a douche bag, please don’t buy one. Get a Vespa GTS or, if you really need to go faster, buy a freaking motorcycle. Scooters have no business going 100+ mph and they have no business looking like a maxi-scooter.

There are tons of these in Seattle. Why? You could get away with a 50cc scooter on most streets in the city. Why do you need a 400cc douchemobile?

The Recumbent Bike
My hate for maxi-scooters is only eclipsed by my hate for recumbent bikes. I have seen tons of these and they are always ridden by self-righteous NPR listeners. I want to call them bikes for douche bags, but I’d be insulting douche bags.

I am sure that recumbent bikes are better than regular bikes. I’m sure they’re faster. I’m sure they make you poop gold and made you get all the hot chicks at the Obama rally, but seriously, this is a bike for assholes.

When I see someone on a recumbent bike, my first thought it “you asshole.” Did he cut me off? No. Did he cause me bodily harm or kidnap my children? No, of course not. The “you asshole!” reaction is a natural, human reaction. It is in our DNA to automatically react this way.

So why don’t recumbent bicyclists react the same way? Who knows. Maybe it’s a birth defect or something. Freakin’ mutants. Seriously, get a real bike.

Special Mention
The Segway Scooter. I can’t even describe to you…. ugh… it’s just … not possible…

By this point, I’ve run out of vomit. Gotta go!

(I realize that I have probably offended someone with this post – it’s important that you don’t care about these things. Do what you want and ride what you want. Unless it’s a Honda Helix… seriously…)

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